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Post by Night and Akito on Aug 10, 2009 18:35:48 GMT -5
[glow=orchid,2,300]R A O W[/glow] [glow=orchid,2,300]E T W I[/glow] [glow=orchid,2,300]A _ N L[/glow] [glow=orchid,2,300]D _ _ L[/glow]
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Post by Night and Akito on Aug 10, 2009 18:43:20 GMT -5
[glow=red,2,300]C P J[/glow] [glow=red,2,300]R E O[/glow] [glow=red,2,300]A O K[/glow] [glow=red,2,300]Z P E[/glow] [glow=red,2,300]Y L S[/glow] [glow=red,2,300]_ E _[/glow]
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Post by Night and Akito on Aug 10, 2009 18:45:51 GMT -5
Q: How does a crazy person travel through the woods?
A: They take the psycho path.
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Post by Night and Akito on Aug 10, 2009 18:47:01 GMT -5
[glow=red,2,300]Mental Institution Pop Quiz[/glow]
Fox and Akito are in a mental institution which has an annual contest that picks two of the best patients and gives them two questions. If they answer correctly, they are released.
Fox is called into the doctor's office first. The doctor says, "Fox, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?"
Fox says, "I'd be half blind."
"That's correct. What would happen if I poked out both your eyes?"
"I'd be completely blind." The doctor tells him that he is free to go. On Fox's way out he tells Akito the questions and answers.
The doctor asks Akito, "What would happen if I cut off one of your ears?"
Akito says, "I'd be half blind."
The doctor, slightly puzzled, continues, "What would happen if I cut off both your ears?"
"I'd be completely blind."
"Akito, how can you explain that you'd be blind?" asks the doctor.
"Well," replies Akito, "my hat would fall over my eyes."
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Post by Night and Akito on Aug 10, 2009 18:53:53 GMT -5
[glow=red,2,300]OBD[/glow]
I actually had anxiety for so long I went to a psychiatrist. And I said to the guy, 'I'm constantly anxious. What do I do?' He told me I had obsessive-compulsive disorder. I was shocked. I had to call him nine times to make sure he was certain.
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Post by Night and Akito on Aug 11, 2009 21:34:06 GMT -5
[glow=red,2,300]Jeff Stilson: Low Self-Esteem[/glow]
I don't have any sympathy for people who suffer from low self-esteem. You don't need to love yourself. You just need to hate a lot of other people, then grade yourself on the curve. Hey, I might suck, but I don't suck as bad as Hitler.
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Post by Night and Akito on Aug 11, 2009 21:35:28 GMT -5
[glow=red,2,300]Jim Short: Not a Loser[/glow]
I was very sad and depressed, and then I thought, 'Hold on, man -- I'm not a loser! I've tried; I am a failure.'
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Post by Night and Akito on Aug 11, 2009 21:38:42 GMT -5
[glow=red,2,300]Weekend Getaway[/glow]
Foxy, a mental patient, mimes driving a car as he runs through the halls of the asylum. An orderly asks Foxy what he's doing.
Foxy replies, "I'm going to Chicago for the weekend."
The orderly enters another patient's room and catches Akito pleasuring himself.
When asked what he is doing, Akito replies, "I'm screwing Foxy's woman while he's away in Chicago."
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Post by Night and Akito on Aug 11, 2009 21:44:09 GMT -5
[glow=red,2,300]Obviously Nuts[/glow]
A guy goes to the psychiatrist only wearing shorts made of Glad wrap.
The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
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Post by Night and Akito on Aug 11, 2009 21:53:02 GMT -5
[glow=red,2,300]Go Nuts![/glow]
A hospital psychologist decided to take his mental patients to a baseball game. He coached his patients with simple cues to avoid unwanted anxiety and social awkwardness.
When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.
As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up, nuts!" The inmates stood up.
After the anthem, he yelled, "Down, nuts!" They all sat.
After a home run, he yelled, "Cheer, nuts!" They all broke into applause.
Since everything was going smoothly, he left his assistant in charge while he ran to the restroom.
When he returned, there was a riot in progress. "What happened?" he asked his assistant.
"Everything was fine until some guy showed up selling peanuts!"
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Post by Night and Akito on Aug 16, 2009 17:59:20 GMT -5
[glow=orange,2,300]Girls VS Beer[/glow]
1. Beer is always wet. Girls needs a little work. One point to BEER
2. Warm beer tastes awful. One point to GIRLS
3. A really cold beer is satisfying. One point to BEER
4. If after taking a swig of your favorite beer you find a hair between your teeth, you may vomit. One point to GIRLS
5. If you go home reeking of beer your wife may get mad, make a scene, kick you out, etc. If you go home reeking of girls your wife may get mad, kick you out, even leave you. There's definitely a point to be had here, depending on your point of view and personal circumstances. I'll just call it a DRAW for the time being.
6. Ten beers in one night and you can't drive home. Ten girls in one night and you don't want to drive anywhere. One point to GIRLS
7. If you have a lot of beer in a public place, your reputation may suffer. If you eat (not cannibalism the other eat) any girls in public, you become a legend. One point to GIRLS
8. If a cop stops you and you smell of beer you may get arrested. If you smell of girls he may buy you a beer. One point to GIRLS
9. You normally don't find old beer. One point to BEER
10. Too much beer and you'll think you see flying saucers. Too much girls and you'll think you've seen God. One point to GIRLS
11. Ripping off a beer bottle label is boring. Ripping off panties is fun. One point to GIRLS
12. In most countries there's a tax on beer. One point to GIRLS
13. If you have another beer the first one never gets pissed off. One point to BEER
14. You can always be sure if you're the first one to open a bottle or a can. One point to BEER
15. If you shake beer it'll get all agitated but eventually it settles down. One point to BEER
16. With beer you always have choice: clear, dark, pilsner, ale, lager, etc. One point to BEER
17. You always know how much beer is going to cost. One point to BEER
18. Beer doesn't have a mother. One point to BEER
19. Beer never expects to be hugged for half an hour after you drink it. One point to BEER
FINAL SCORE: BEER: 10 GIRLS: 8
That's it! The matter is settled, the clear winner is: BEER
PS: If you are a woman and at this point feel angry, degraded or discriminated against, just remember that Beer would experience none of those feelings, let alone express them.
An extra point for BEER!
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Post by Night and Akito on Aug 16, 2009 18:06:30 GMT -5
[glow=orange,2,300]Top 10 reasons E-mail is Like a Penis (read it before you judge it!): [/glow]
10. Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off.
9. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.
8. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.
7. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call "E-mail Envy."
6. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.
5. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.
4. If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.
3. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
2. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.
And the number one reason Why E-mail is Like a Penis.....
1. If you play with it too much, you'll go blind.
Those of you who do not agree with this, you are not fully maximizing all the available features of your e-mail system.
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Post by Night and Akito on Aug 16, 2009 18:25:57 GMT -5
[glow=orange,2,300]Costume Mixup[/glow]
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with everyone he could, copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.
She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars for a little workout. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away, and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I didn't dance once. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you...the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"
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Post by Night and Akito on Aug 16, 2009 18:28:24 GMT -5
[glow=orange,2,300]Fire Bells[/glow]
A man who worked for the fire department came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station. Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings and we're on the firetruck, ready to go. From now on we are going to run this house the same way. When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell 2, I want you to jump in the bed. And when I say Bell 3, we are going to screw till the sun comes up."
The next night, he came home and yelled "Bell 1". The wife took off all her clothes. "Bell 2", and she jumped into bed with him. "Bell 3" and they started going at it. After a few minutes, the wife yells out, "Bell 4!"
"What's the fourth bell for?" he asks.
"More hose," she replies. "You're nowhere near the fire!"
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Post by Night and Akito on Aug 16, 2009 18:31:59 GMT -5
[glow=orange,2,300]God's Leftovers[/glow]
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden.
He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability?"
Adam popped a cork. Jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, I'd be so cool. Oh please, God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please........." On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee).
Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee.
And so it was. And it was... well, good. "Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts. "What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."
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Post by Night and Akito on Aug 16, 2009 18:33:54 GMT -5
[glow=orange,2,300]Doctors Appointment[/glow]
This guy wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling real horny, nudges his wife awake and asks, "Why don't we get it on, eh?"
She replies, "I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and you know I don't like to make love the night before."
So the husband agrees and rolled back over and started to go back to sleep. A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, "You don't by any chance have a dentist's appointment tomorrow, do you?"
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Post by Night and Akito on Aug 16, 2009 18:38:42 GMT -5
[glow=orange,2,300]A pill to make it all better[/glow]
A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex.
The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her it is still experimental and tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner.
So, that night at dinner, she does. About a week later she's back at the doctor's office.
She says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you suggested. It wasn't five minutes and he jumps up, rakes all the food and dishes off the table, grabs me, rips all my clothes off and ravishes me right then and there on the table."
The doctor says, "I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."
"Naah..." she says, "That's okay. We won't be going back to that restaurant anymore anyway."
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Post by Night and Akito on Aug 16, 2009 18:41:28 GMT -5
[glow=orange,2,300]Aroused Vegetables[/glow]
The tomatoes in a woman's garden won't ripen. So she goes to her neighbor and says, "What can I do about it?"
Her neighbor replies, "Well, it may sound absurd but here's what to do. Tonight there's no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they'll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they'll all be red, you'll see."
Well, what the heck? She does it. Next day her neighbor asks how it worked.
"So-so," she answers. "The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all four inches longer."
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Post by Night and Akito on Aug 16, 2009 18:43:38 GMT -5
[glow=orange,2,300]Business Negotiation[/glow]
The train was traveling along when a beautiful young woman entered the compartment which was deserted except for a businessman reading his paper.
The man peered over his paper and asked, "Would you let me fuck you for a dollar?"
"Certainly not!" exclaimed the young woman, and the businessman returned to his paper. A short while later he looked across again and said "Would you let me fuck you for a million dollars?"
After a brief pause, the woman replied, "yes, I suppose I would." Again the man returned to his newspaper.
A few minutes later the man asked "Would you let me fuck you for five dollars?"
"Certainly not!" replied the young woman, getting angry now, "What kind of girl do you take me for?"
"We've already established that" replied the man, "We're just haggling over the price!"
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Post by Night and Akito on Aug 16, 2009 18:48:16 GMT -5
[glow=orange,2,300]Age guessing[/glow]
A 47 year-old lady gets a facelift. It turns out very well and she enjoys showing off her new look. She goes to the newsstand and asks the man, "Sir, how old do you think I am?"
The man replies, "You're 30, right?"
She says,"No, I'm 47, but nice try."
The next day, she goes to McDonald's. She orders her lunch and asks the young man at the counter, "How old do you think I am?"
The man replies, "You're 37, right?"
The lady says "No, I'm 47, but good guess."
After lunch, she gets on the bus and she asks an 85-year-old man how old she is. He replies "Lady, I can tell how old any woman is by sticking my hand down her panties."
So, quietly and quickly, she lets him do so. He thinks a moment and announces, "You're 47!"
The lady, astonished, asks, "How did you know?"
The old man replies, "I was standing right behind you at McDonald's."
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