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Post by Night and Akito on Aug 17, 2009 16:11:53 GMT -5
A blonde walked in on her husband having an affair. She was so angry she pulled out a gun and pointed it to her own head. She was about to pull the trigger, when her husband shouted, "No, honey...STOP! Don't do this!"
And she replied, "Shut up, you're next!"
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Post by Night and Akito on Aug 17, 2009 16:20:03 GMT -5
Two blondes go into a department store and start sampling the perfume. The first blonde sprays some on her wrist and says, "That's quite nice, what is it called?"
"It says Viens a moi on the label." replied the second blonde.
"Viens a moi?" asked the first blonde, "What does that mean then?"
"I don't know!" said the second blonde.
Just then an assistant appears and says, "Viens a moins, ladies, is French for 'come to me'"
The first blonde takes another sniff and says to her friend, "Here smell this." offering her arm to her friend.
"It doesn't smell like cume to me. Does that smell like cum to you?"
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Post by Night and Akito on Aug 17, 2009 20:57:57 GMT -5
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking guy in his mid- twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you both better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip, and the gun, and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her, so she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves and rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He remarks, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"
"No problem," replies the young man, "just get that lion out of the way."
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Post by Night and Akito on Aug 17, 2009 21:05:30 GMT -5
A blond is driving down a deserted highway and swerving all over the road, when all of a sudden she gets pulled over.
The cop gets out of his car and asks if she had been drinking and she replies, "No".
So he radios the station and asks what to do.
The dispatcher says, "Is she a blonde driving a lipstick red Corvette?" The cop replies with a Yes.
So the other cop says, "What you do is tell her to get out of the car, pull out your dick and walk up to her".
So the cop does exactly what the dispatcher says. The blonde gets out of the car and the cop whips out his dick.
The blonde sighs and says, "Please not another breathalizer test."
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Post by Night and Akito on Aug 17, 2009 21:07:31 GMT -5
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were sitting around trying to compare their boyfriends to brands of pop.
The redhead said, "My boyfriend is like 7-up. He is seven inches long and he is always up."
The brunette said, "My boyfriend is like Mountain Dew. He loves to do it in the Mountains all the time."
The blonde said "My boyfriend is like Jack Daniels."
The brunette cuts in, "Jack Daniels isn't a pop, my dear. It's a hard liquor."
A smile crossed the blondes face as she says, "Oh trust me, I know!"
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Post by Night and Akito on Aug 17, 2009 21:10:06 GMT -5
A young man finally lands a date with the blonde female that's lived in his apartment complex for years. To prepare for his big date, the young man went up to the roof of his apartment building to get some sun. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude.
Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof and managed to get a sunburn on his johnson. But, he was determined not to miss his date, so he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.
The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie. During the movie, however, the young man's sunburn started bothering him. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen and poured a tall, cool glass of milk.
He then placed his sunburned member into the milk and experienced immediate relief. The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his member immersed in a glass of milk.
Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, "So that's how you guys load those things!"
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Post by Night and Akito on Aug 17, 2009 21:11:38 GMT -5
A man was having sex with his girlfriend and when he was done he threw his used condom out the window.
His girlfriend said she wanted to go again, but he didn't have another condom, so he went outside too get the old one.
A dumb blonde was holding it. He said, "Can I have that back."
She said, "What, this twinkie?"
He said "Ummm...yea sure that twinkie."
She said, "20 dollars."
So he gave her the money and the blonde gave back the condom and went home.
The blonde's friend asked where she got the $20 from?
She said, "I sold some guy a twinkie but I ripped him off. I sucked all the cream filling out it before I gave it back."
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Post by Night and Akito on Aug 17, 2009 21:20:33 GMT -5
My wife who is blonde came running up to me in the driveway the other day, just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck and I started jumping up and down along with her.
She said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"
I said, "Great. Tell me what you're so happy about."
She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told me that she was pregnant! I was ecstatic!
We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"
Then, she said "Oh, honey, There's more."
I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"
She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to Have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.
She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the twin-pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!"
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Post by Night and Akito on Aug 17, 2009 22:31:44 GMT -5
Valentines Slogans 10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk, But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.
9. Our love will never become cold and hollow, Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.
8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store, In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.
7. This feels so good, it feels so right, I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.
6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class, Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.
5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished, But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!
4. Through all the things that came to pass, Our love has grown. . . but so's your ass.
3. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie, I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".
2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny, So right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!
1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister. You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!
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Post by Night and Akito on Aug 17, 2009 23:04:09 GMT -5
A fly is flying over a lake. In the lake there is a trout, he sees the fly and he says to himself, "If that fly dropped six inches I'd be able to catch it."
There is a bear standing on the shore of the lake and he says to himself, "If that fly drops six inches, the trout catches the fly, and I can catch the trout."
There is a hunter in the forest behind the bear and he says to himself, "If that fly drops six inches, the trout catches the fly, and the bear catches the trout, and I can shoot the bear."
There is a mouse standing behind the hunter and she says, "If that fly drops six inches, the trout catches the fly, the bear catches the trout, the hunter shoots the bear, and I'll be able to get that piece of cheese out of the hunters pocket."
There is a cat behind the mouse and she says, "If that fly drops six inches, the trout catches the fly, the bear catches the trout, the hunter shoots the bear, this mouse gets the cheese out of the hunters pocket, and I can catch the mouse."
So after all of this happens, the fly drops six inches, the trout catches the fly, the bear catches the trout, the hunter shoots the bear, the mouse gets the cheese out of the hunters pocket, and it is the cats turn. So the cat pounces on the mouse, misses it by a mile, falls and gets wet.
What is the moral of this story?
Whenever a fly drops six inches a pussy always gets wet.
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kaila
New Member
Vigil Eraser
Losin a friend hurts.Losin ur bestfriend hurts more.Losin your true bestfriend is kills.
Posts: 176
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Post by kaila on Aug 18, 2009 17:31:53 GMT -5
An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat.
As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.
The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.
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kaila
New Member
Vigil Eraser
Losin a friend hurts.Losin ur bestfriend hurts more.Losin your true bestfriend is kills.
Posts: 176
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Post by kaila on Aug 18, 2009 17:39:44 GMT -5
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
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Post by Night and Akito on Aug 21, 2009 16:58:23 GMT -5
My pussy's red, Your balls are blue, The vaselines in there, So screw you!
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Post by Night and Akito on Sept 20, 2009 15:45:22 GMT -5
Fuck, fuck, fuck a duck Screw a kangaroo Bang, bang orangutan while your at the zoo!
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Post by Night and Akito on Oct 31, 2009 22:03:43 GMT -5
It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the Pearly Gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."
The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."
St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.
He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.
"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.
"OK, now picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."
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Post by Night and Akito on Oct 31, 2009 22:20:17 GMT -5
There are essentially four kinds of sex …
HOUSE SEX When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say FUCK YOU!
COURTROOM SEX When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.
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Post by Night and Akito on Oct 31, 2009 22:24:46 GMT -5
Rate It 13Good0Bad Add To Favorites You must be logged in. Login This is your favorite Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist, and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.
"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered a tender and artful massage for several long moments And asked, "How does that feel? Does that feel better?"
He replied, "It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken."
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Post by Night and Akito on Oct 31, 2009 22:27:27 GMT -5
Three nuns die and go to heaven. St. Peter is waiting for them at the gates of heaven and as they walk up he says, "In order for you to get into heaven, you each have to answer one question."
The nuns say OK and the first nun walks up. St. Peter says "Who was the first man on Earth?"
The nun thinks for a little bit and finally says "that's easy, Adam." Bells ring, angels sing, doors fly open, nun walks in.
The second nun walks up and St. Peter says "Who was the first woman on Earth?" The nun thinks for a little bit and says "That's easy, Eve." Bells ring, angels sing, doors fly open, nun walks in.
The third nun walks up and St. Peter says, "Ok, what were the last words Eve said to Adam before Adam left the Garden of Eden?"
The nun, not having the slightest idea, thought for a long time and finally said, "Boy, that's a hard one." Bells ring, angels sing, doors fly open, nun walks in.
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Post by Night and Akito on Oct 31, 2009 22:32:03 GMT -5
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all swam out to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
~Some old men can still think fast.
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Post by Night and Akito on Oct 31, 2009 22:33:02 GMT -5
There were three fags who wanted to commit suicide. All three decided to jump to their deaths.
The first one landed on a road and it took two weeks to scrape him off the road.
The second one landed on a car and it took two months to peel him off the car.
The third one landed on a flagpole and it took two years to get the smile off his face!
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