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Post by Night and Akito on Oct 31, 2009 22:34:49 GMT -5
When the good Lord was making the world, he called man aside and bestowed upon him 20 years of normal sex life. Man was horrified, but The Creator refused to budge. Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him 20 years.
"But I don't need 20 years," said the monkey. "Ten years is plenty."
"May I have the other 10 years?" asked man. The Monkey agreed.
The Lord called the Lion next and also gave him 20 good years. The Lion also only wanted 10, so again man asked for the remaining 10.
Then came the donkey, who was also granted 20 years. Like the others, 10 was more than enough. Man again asked for the spare ten years and got them.
This explains why man has 20 years of normal sex life, 10 years of monkeying around, 10 years of lying 'bout it, and 10 years of making an ass out of himself.
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Post by Night and Akito on Oct 31, 2009 22:40:54 GMT -5
It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar.
I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "Hey Sweetheart, how'd you like to Crunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?"
Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was like pure Almond Joy!
I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots.
It was all I could do to hold the Snickers and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream "Oh Henry, Oh Henry!"
Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn't be long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a taste of the old Milky Way.
She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, "Hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff." I said, "Look you little Reese's Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit 'O' Honey?"
(What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was, too!)
She screamed, "Oh Crackerjack, better than the Three Musketeers!" as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup.
Well, I was giving it to her Good 'N' Plenty, when all the sudden... my Starburst!
Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach.
Sure enough, nine months later, out popped Baby Ruth!
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Post by Night and Akito on Nov 1, 2009 11:24:29 GMT -5
A young guy out on the town with his mates spies the girl of his dreams across the dance floor. Having admired her from a far he finally gets up the courage to talk to her.
Everything goes better than expected and she agrees to accompany him on a date the following Saturday evening.
Saturday night the man arrives at her house with flowers and candy. To his surprise, she answers the door in nothing but a towel. "I'm sorry," she exclaims, "I am running a bit late. Please come in and I'll introduce you to my parents who will entertain you while I finish getting dressed. I should warn you, though, they are both deaf mutes."
With this she ushers him into the living room, introduces him to her parents and promptly disappears. As you can imagine, this is a little uncomfortable, as both of the parents are completely silent. Dad is sitting in his armchair watching cricket on TV, and Mum is busy knitting.
After about ten minutes of complete silence, Mum jumps from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her knickers, and pours a glass of water over her backside. Just as suddenly, Dad launches himself across the room, bends her over the couch, and takes her from behind. He then sits back down in his chair and balances a match stick in front of his eye.
The room is plunged back into eerie silence and the young man is shocked into disbelief. After a further ten minutes, the daughter returns fully dressed and ready for the evening.
The date is a complete disaster with the young man completely distracted by the on goings earlier in the living room. At the end of the night, the girl asks, "What's the matter? Have I done something wrong?"
"No, its not you," he replied, "It's just that the strangest thing happened while I was waiting for you and I am still a bit shocked. Well, first your Mother jumps from her chair, lifts up her skirt, pulls down her panties, and throws a glass of water over her behind. Then, as if that weren't enough, your Father races from his chair, leans her over the couch and does her from behind. He then sits back down and places a match-stick by his eye."
"Oh, is that all?" replies the girl. The man can't believe her casual response.
"Mum was simply saying, 'Are you going to get this asshole a drink?' and Dad was replying, 'No, f**k him - I'm watching the match.'
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Post by Night and Akito on Nov 1, 2009 11:28:25 GMT -5
One day Mr. Smith, the president of a corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."
The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."
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Post by Night and Akito on Nov 1, 2009 11:32:01 GMT -5
It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.
"Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.
"That's cool," says Bobby.
Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."
Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat it.
"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"
Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good.
A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DARN IT, DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!"
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Post by Night and Akito on Nov 1, 2009 11:33:54 GMT -5
A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for a pack of condoms. As soon as he has paid for them, the man starts laughing and walks out. The next day, the same performance, with the man walking out laughing. The pharmacist thinks this odd and asks his assistant, if the man returns, to follow him.
Sure enough, he comes into the store the next day, repeating his actions once more. The assistant duly follows. Half an hour later, he returns.
"So did you follow him?"
"I did."
"And ...where did he go?"
"Over to your house..."
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Post by Night and Akito on Nov 1, 2009 12:07:37 GMT -5
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing, but about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met during the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." Said Bob.
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes!" Bob said, a little embarrassed about being discovered, "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
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Post by Night and Akito on Nov 1, 2009 12:10:30 GMT -5
Three girls died and were brought to the Gates of Heaven. Upon entering the gate, they were halted by St. Peter and his obedient angel. St. Peter told the girls, "Before entering you must answer this simple question."
"Which is ...?", they replied in unison.
"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the first girl.
"Oh yes", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married, and was still a virgin even after I got married."
"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl...the golden key."
"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the second girl.
"Oh, quite good", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married, but was not after I got married."
"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the silver key."
"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the third girl.
"Oh no, not at all", she said. "I practically had sex with every guy I met before and after I got married. Anywhere, anytime."
"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... my room key."
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Post by Night and Akito on Nov 1, 2009 12:12:57 GMT -5
A couple have been dating for quite some time. He wants her in the worst way, but she won't sleep with him because she's saving herself for marriage. As they are kissing, and doing their thing, he gets all horny; and says, "Oh come on, just a feel."
She replies, "No, I'm saving myself for marriage." They go back and forth.
He says, "Just one feel, I promise, that's all, just one feel."
She finally agrees, "Okay, just one feel, but that's all, just one, I'm saving myself for marriage."
So he puts his hand down her panties and takes a little feel. Things are getting a lot warmer and he asks, "Can't we PLEASE?"
She of course states, "NO, I'm saving myself for marriage."
He begs, "Please, please?" and she answers, "No, no, absolutely not, I'm saving myself for marriage."
He suggests, "How about if I agree to only just put the tip in?"
She says, "No way, I'm saving myself for marriage."
He begs and pleads with her,"I promise, just the tip, no more, and we'll stop after that."
She finally gives in, "Okay, but just the tip, no more, and that's all." He agrees, pulls down her panties and puts the tip in... the sensation makes him lose control and he shoves it all the way in and starts pumping like crazy.
Meanwhile, she's moaning and groaning and shouts, "OKAY, GO AHEAD, PUT IT ALL THE WAY IN!"
A little stunned, he says, "NOPE, absolutely not. A deal's a deal!"
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Post by Night and Akito on Nov 1, 2009 12:14:30 GMT -5
Little Billy and his dad were walking down the street when they saw two dogs having sex. Billy asks his father "Daddy, what are they doing?" The father says, "Making a puppy." So they walk on and go home.
A few days later, the little boy walks in on his parents having sex.
Billy says, "Daddy, what are you doing?"
The father replies, "Making a baby."
Little Billy says, "Well, flip her around! I'd rather have a puppy instead!"
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Post by Night and Akito on Nov 1, 2009 13:11:14 GMT -5
Ladies, are you tired of the stupid, corny and just plain boring pick up lines so over used it makes you want to scream? Wish you knew just what to say to stop them in their tracks and walk away with a huge grin?
I feel your pain! So here is a list of some of the best comebacks to pick up lines that I could find. I don’t know about you, but I couldn’t wait to try them out. And after reading, I bet you won’t be able to wait, too! Never fear or worry about another pick up line again.
Man: "Haven't we met before?" Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."
Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before? Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
Man: "Is this seat empty?" Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?" Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
Man: "Your place or mine?" Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?" Woman: "It's in the phone book." Man: "But I don't know your name." Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
Man: "So what do you do for a living?" Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."
Man: "What sign were you born under?" Woman: "No Parking."
Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?" Woman: "Do not Enter"
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?" Woman: "Unfertilized !"
Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason" Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
Man: "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy." Woman: "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"
Man: "I know how to please a woman." Woman: "Then please leave me alone."
Man: "I want to give myself to you." Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
Man: "I can tell that you want me." Woman: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave."
Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy: Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."
Man: "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?" Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
Man: "Your body is like a temple." Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."
Man: "I'd go through anything for you." Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."
Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you. Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?"
Man: “May I see you pretty soon?” Woman: “Don't you think I'm pretty now?”
Man: “Your hair color is fabulous.” Woman: “Thank you. It's on aisle three at the corner drug store.”
Man: “You look like a dream.” Woman: “Go back to sleep. “
Man: “I can tell that you want me.” Woman: “Yes, I want you to leave.”
Man: “Look at you with all those curves, and me with no brakes.” Woman: “Then reverse might come in handy in your case.”
After hearing a pick-up line: Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."
Older man: "Where have you been all my life?" Woman: "For the first half of it, I probably wasn't born yet."
Man: "What do I have to give you for one little kiss?" Woman: "Chloroform"
Man: "May I have the last dance?" Woman: "You've just had it."
Man: "What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?" Woman: "What's it like being the biggest liar in the world?"
Man: "Hey baby! That dress looks gorgeous on you! But, it would look even better laying on my bedroom floor." Woman: "You're right, but the only way it'll get there is if you buy another one just like it and throw it there yourself!"
Man: “I can tell that you want me.” Woman: “Ohhhh. You’re so right. I want you to leave.”
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Post by Night and Akito on Oct 30, 2010 21:40:28 GMT -5
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: 'I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you.'
She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'
'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'
She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single, and #2, you must be Catholic.' The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'
'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. 'My dear child,' said the nun, 'Why are you crying?'
'Forgive me, but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess: I'm married and I'm Jewish.'
The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'
Happy Halloween
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