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Post by Night and Akito on Aug 16, 2009 19:01:19 GMT -5
[glow=orange,2,300]A bit rich[/glow]
A guy walked up to a hooker and asked how much she wanted for a hand job. "$100!" she replied.
"Fucking hell!" replied the guy, "That's a bit rich isn't it?"
"See that Porsche parked over there?" said the hooker, "I own it because I give the best hand jobs in town!"
The guy thought this was OK and agreed on the price. The hand job went on for hours. The guy loved it so much that he asked how much it would cost for a blowjob.
"$250!" replied the hooker.
"Fucking hell," said the guy, "That's a bit rich isn't it?"
"See that block of apartments behind the Porsche?" replied the hooker, "I paid for that with cash because I give the best head jobs in town!"
"Wow," said the guy, "I'll give that a go as well!"
When the pro finished the best blowjob he had ever had, he asked the hooker how much it would cost for the real thing.
"Well," replied the hooker, "You see that big factory behind the apartment block?"
"Yeah!" said the guy excitedly, "I see them!"
"Well," the hooker sighed, "That would be mine if I had a pussy!"
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Post by Night and Akito on Aug 16, 2009 19:05:37 GMT -5
[glow=orange,2,300]Girls are better poets![/glow]
A guy and a girl are having sex when they both realize they're hungry and thirsty.
It was freakin' freezing in the house so they both have an argument over who should go get the food and drink.
After a while they decide to have a contest. Whoever can come up with the best poem would be the one to stay in bed while the loser gets food and drink. They both think for a while when the guy says, "Okay, I got one. Two times two is four plus five is nine, I can pee in yours but you can't pee in mine".
So she thinks for a minute and says, "Okay two times two is four plus five is nine, I know the length of yours but you'll never know the depth of mine."
The guy gets up.
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Post by Night and Akito on Aug 16, 2009 19:57:29 GMT -5
[glow=orange,2,300]Sexy Report[/glow]
During a course in human sexuality, the professor was discussing various items in the Kinsey report.
The class members gasped audibly when the instructor read out that a woman had several hundred orgasms in a single session.
A male voice said, "Wow, who was she?"
A female voice followed with, "The hell with that...Who was HE?'"
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Post by Night and Akito on Aug 16, 2009 20:05:33 GMT -5
[glow=orange,2,300]The whole f***ing bed![/glow]
A guy had never had sex before, so his buddies set him up with this whore for a couple of hours. He had NO clue what was happening and when she sat down on the bed completely naked, she said, "Do you know what I want?"
He looked at her and said, "No!"
The whore then lay down on the bed and started to rub her breasts and moaning she said, "Do you know what I want now?"
The guy replied, "No!"
The whore then spread her legs wide and started to finger herself then said, "Now do you know what I want?"
"Yeah," replied the guy, "You want the whole fucking bed to yourself!"
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Post by Night and Akito on Aug 16, 2009 20:20:30 GMT -5
[glow=orange,2,300]Unlocking doors[/glow]
Fox and Night were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Night said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door."
Fox says, "Well, give me some examples."
Night proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a guy shoves his key into the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me."
"The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either."
Then Night said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?"
Fox proceeds to say, "Well, first, before I do anything, I lick the lock."
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Post by Night and Akito on Aug 16, 2009 20:29:27 GMT -5
[glow=orange,2,300]Deadly Ice Cream[/glow]
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
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Post by Night and Akito on Aug 16, 2009 20:42:20 GMT -5
[glow=orange,2,300]Shaky Night[/glow]
Night goes in to a sex shop, shaking. "Sir," she says in a shaky voice, "do you sell vibrators?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"And are they this big around and this long?" she asks in a shaky voice.
"Yes, ma'am."
"And they're $22.95?" she asks in a shaky voice.
"Yes, ma'am."
"How do you turn them off?"
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Post by Night and Akito on Aug 16, 2009 20:52:10 GMT -5
[glow=orange,2,300]Dirty Pics[/glow]
A man goes to a Psychologist and says, "Doc I got a real problem, I can't stop thinking about sex."
The Psychologist says, "Well let's see what we can find out", and pulls out his ink blots. "What is this a picture of?" he asks.
The man turns the picture upside down then turns it around and states, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."
The Psychologist says, "very interesting," and shows the next picture. "And what is this a picture of?"
The man looks and turns it in different directions and says, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."
The Psychologists tries again with the third ink blot, and asks the same question, "What is this a picture of?"
The patient again turns it in all directions and replies, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."
The Psychologist states, "Well, yes, you do seem to be obsessed with sex."
"Me!?" demands the patient. "You're the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures!"
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Post by Night and Akito on Aug 16, 2009 20:59:03 GMT -5
[glow=orange,2,300]Lose the car or the ass[/glow]
Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month I'm gonna lose my fucking ass!"
Just then, and too late, he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away. Immediately, he apologized for the prude language.
"That's OK." replied the blonde, "If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm gonna lose my fucking car!"
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Post by Night and Akito on Aug 16, 2009 21:12:10 GMT -5
[glow=orange,2,300]The cure for a headache![/glow]
Fox was at the bar complaining about having a headache.
"I have a great cure for a headache," said his mate Nate, "Whenever I have a headache, I head home and I get my wife to give me a long slow and wet blowjob!"
A week went by and they were sitting in the bar again talking, "Did you try my headache cure?" said Nate.
"Yeah, " said Fox, "It worked fine. Your house is nice too!"
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Post by Night and Akito on Aug 16, 2009 21:28:21 GMT -5
[glow=orange,2,300]Golf vs Mother Nature[/glow]
Towards the end of the golf course, Larry hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.
Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden ...POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life.
"Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. ... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!!!"
Then POOF! She was gone!
After Larry recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Henry, where are you?"
Henry yells back "I'm over here in the pussy willows."
Larry shouts back, "DON'T SWING, HENRY; FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!"
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Post by Night and Akito on Aug 16, 2009 21:33:27 GMT -5
[glow=orange,2,300]Southwest airlines[/glow]
A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked,"If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.
So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy said, "Yes, she did."
"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time."
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Post by Night and Akito on Aug 16, 2009 21:43:42 GMT -5
[glow=orange,2,300]Silent biker[/glow]
A guy is in the market for a used motorcycle. He always wanted a big Harley. He shops around, answering ads in the newspaper, and is not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner.
"This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape."
"Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.
The guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan).
That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm.
"Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says. And in they go.
The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet.
So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no one says a word.
"Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, total silence.
Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father stands up and shouts, "All right, all right! I'll do the damn dishes."
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Post by Night and Akito on Aug 16, 2009 21:50:44 GMT -5
[glow=orange,2,300]The washing machine[/glow]
A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.
"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.
"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"
So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"
"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.
The man fell asleep frustrated. The next night, he asked again, "Is the washing machine door open?"
"No, it's not. Now go to sleep," she replied while rolling over with her back to her husband.
The following morning she woke feeling a little frisky herself and nudged her husband saying, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"
"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."
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Post by Night and Akito on Aug 16, 2009 21:59:36 GMT -5
[glow=orange,2,300]You're My Child's Father[/glow]
A guy goes into a supermarket and while walking down one aisle, a beautiful blonde at the end of the aisle waves at him and says, "Hello".
He's rather taken back, because he can't place where he knows her. So he says "do I know you?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my children."
Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped me?"
Trying to hold in a laugh, she said, "No, silly, I'm your son's math teacher."
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Post by Night and Akito on Aug 16, 2009 22:05:53 GMT -5
[glow=orange,2,300]How to make an ass of yourself, get fired and get your job back all in one night![/glow]
Fox, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Night," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."
"He's an asshole," Fox said. "Piss on him."
"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him!" said Fox.
"I did. You're back to work on Monday."
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Post by Night and Akito on Aug 16, 2009 22:08:19 GMT -5
An 85-year old man is having his annual checkup. The Doctor asks him how he is feeling.
"I've got an eighteen-year old bride who's pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The Doctor considers this for a moment, and then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know of a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezed the handle. BAM ! The beaver drops dead in front of him.
"That's impossible!", says the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must have shot that beaver."
The Doctor says, "My point exactly."
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Post by Night and Akito on Aug 16, 2009 22:10:06 GMT -5
[glow=red,2,300]Define Sex[/glow]
Sex is a temptation where a guy sticks his location in a girls destination to increase the population for the next generation. Do you understand my explanation or do you need a demonstration?
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Post by Night and Akito on Aug 16, 2009 22:11:21 GMT -5
A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"
The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."
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Post by Night and Akito on Aug 16, 2009 22:18:43 GMT -5
A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.
"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."
"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.
As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.
Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"
Again the doctor spoke very calmly, "Same illness, better health plan."
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