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Post by Night and Akito on Aug 16, 2009 22:21:03 GMT -5
The huge Air Canada Jumbo jet is just coming into Pearson Airport (Toronto) on its final approach. The pilot comes on over the intercom. "This is Capt. Johnson, we're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and enjoy your stay in Toronto".
Well the Capt. forgets to switch off the intercom. The whole plane can now hear the conversation from the cockpit.
The co-pilot says to the pilot "Well skipper, wotcha gonna do in Toronto?"
Now all ears in the plane are listening into this conversation.
"Well", says the skipper, "First I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a mega-huge dump. Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess out for dinner, you know, the one with the huge tits. I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and slip the old salami to her all night long."
Well, everyone in the plane's trying to get a look at the new stewardess. She's so embarrassed she runs from the back of the plane to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off.
Half way down, she trips over an old ladies handbag - and down she goes.
The old lady leans over and says, "No need to run dearie, he's gotta take a shit first!"
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Post by Night and Akito on Aug 16, 2009 22:22:32 GMT -5
A man goes to the doctors and says "Doc, you gotta help me!"
The doctor says "What's your problem?"
The guy says, "Every morning I wake up with my 'morning flagpole'.. I give the missus a quick one, then go to work. On the way to work I car pool with the next door neighbor's wife who gives me a blow job during the ride to work. Once I get to work I do some work and at morning tea time I go into the photocopy room and have it off with one of the young office girls. At lunch I take my secretary out to a hotel and give her a good bonking. For afternoon tea I give the boss's wife a good servicing. I then go home and slip the maid a few inches. Then at night I give the missus another screw......"
"Well" the doctor interrupted. "What's your problem?"
The guy says "Well, it hurts when I masturbate."
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Post by Night and Akito on Aug 16, 2009 22:28:59 GMT -5
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetie for Valentine's Day. As they had not been dating very long, it was a very difficult decision. After careful consideration he decided a good gift would be a pair of gloves.
Accompanied by his sister, he went to the store and bought the gloves. His sister purchased a pair of panties at the same time. The clerk carefully wrapped both items but in the process got them mixed up. The sister was handed the gloves and the young man got the panties.
The young man mailed his Valentine's Day gift with the following note:
"This special Valentines Day gift was chosen because I noticed you are in the habit of not wearing any when we go out. If it had not been for my sister, I would have chosen the ones with buttons, but she prefers short ones that are much easier to remove.
"These are a lovely shade, the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and they looked quite lovely. I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time no doubt, other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow on them lightly before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I'll be kissing them in the future. I hope you'll wear them Friday night for me.
Love, Honey Bear
p.s. The sales lady says the latest style is to wear them folded down with just a little fur showing."
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Post by Night and Akito on Aug 16, 2009 22:42:48 GMT -5
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves. "Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.
"No, I don't," she says.
"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Mexico with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."
She didn't crack a smile. "Oh, well. I tried," he thought. But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.
"What's so funny?" he asked.
"I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"
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Post by Night and Akito on Aug 16, 2009 22:43:43 GMT -5
During her annual checkup, a gorgeous women with a perfect body was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table.
"Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you."
"All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're through."
In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness, "Doctor, I've undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?"
The doc replies, "Put them on the chair, on top of mine."
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Post by Night and Akito on Aug 16, 2009 22:45:35 GMT -5
A married woman goes to the Bahamas for a business trip. While there she meets a handsome young man and has sex with him throughout her stay there.
The whole time the man never tells her his name. Then the day comes to when she had to leave, and before she departs, she asks the man his name.
The man replies, "You must not make fun of my name."
And of course the woman promises she wont. So, the man tells her that his name is Snow. Immediately the woman breaks out in laughter.
Outraged, the man yells, "You promised you wouldn't laugh!"
She replies, "Oh, no honey. I'm not laughing at your name, I was just thinking how I'm going to have tell my husband I got ten inches of Snow everyday in the Bahamas!"
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Post by Night and Akito on Aug 16, 2009 22:47:15 GMT -5
Karen lost her husband four years prior and was having trouble moving on. Her daughter repeatedly urged her to return back to the world. Finally, Karen agreed to go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter knew just the person for her.
They fell in love and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He was naked.
"Why the black panties?" he asked.
She replied, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."
He knew he wasn't getting lucky that night. The following night, same scenario. There she stood with the black panties on, only now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked, "What's with the black condom?"
He replied "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
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Post by Night and Akito on Aug 16, 2009 22:56:21 GMT -5
A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to her place and as she shows him around her apartment. He notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf.
The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her. He turns to her... they kiss... and then they rip each others clothes off and make love.
After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"
The woman says, "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."
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Post by Night and Akito on Aug 17, 2009 15:27:22 GMT -5
One, two, lets screw, Three, four, I'm a whore, Five, six, suck a dick, Seven, eight, ejaculate, Nine, ten, fuck me again.
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Post by Night and Akito on Aug 17, 2009 15:33:07 GMT -5
Little Billy comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."
Little Billy is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
"Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."
He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"
Little Billy goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."
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Post by Night and Akito on Aug 17, 2009 15:37:36 GMT -5
While undressing for bed one night, good ole Bill notices something like a red rash around his you know what.
Alarmed, he thinks, "I can't let Hillary see this!"
He makes an appointment to see his doctor at Bethesda Naval Hospital, the very next day.
"Doc," he says, "I've got this red ring around my...uh...well...you know. What is it and how do I get rid of it?"
The doctor says, "Well, I'm not exactly sure what it is, but take these pills for a week, and see if that takes care of it. If not, come back and we'll try something else."
Bill takes the pills for a week but unfortunately, the red ring is still there after 7 days. He goes back to the doctor and tells him the pills didn't help. So the doctor prescribes another medication, capsules this time, and gives him the same instructions. Take them for a week, and come back if it's not improved.
He takes the capsules for a week, and damn, the red ring is still there! So he goes back to the doctor and asks, "What next?"
The doctor gives him a cream in a tube this time. "Rub this on every day for a week and let me know."
Bill goes back in a week and says, "Great news Doc! The rash is gone! That stuff in the tube was wonderful! What was it?"
The doctor replied, "Lipstick remover."
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Post by Night and Akito on Aug 17, 2009 15:41:51 GMT -5
A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it was such a good idea.
The doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?" She said that she did.
He asked, "Does it hurt you?" She said no.
The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."
The woman was mystified. She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?"
The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?"
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Post by Night and Akito on Aug 17, 2009 15:44:39 GMT -5
A man wearing a balaclava mask bursts into a sperm bank with a shotgun.
"Open the fucking safe," he demands of the cute girl behind the counter.
"But we're not a real bank, sir" replies the girl. "This is a sperm bank, we don't hold money".
"Don't argue with me! Just open the safe or I'll blow your fucking head off right here in front of everyone!"
She obliges and opens the safe door.
"Now take one of the bottles out and drink it!" he orders.
"But it's full of sperm," the girl replies nervously.
"I said don't argue with me, just drink it," he says.
She pries off the cap and gulps it down.
"Take out another one and drink it too!" he demands.
The girl drinks another one until the bottle is empty.
Suddenly the guy pulls off the mask and to the girl's amazement, it's her husband who says, "not that fucking difficult now, is it?"
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Post by Night and Akito on Aug 17, 2009 15:47:52 GMT -5
A cucumber and a pickle are having a conversation and the pickle says to the cucumber, "You know my life really sucks. Whenever I get big, fat and juicy they sprinkle seasonings over me and stick me in a jar."
So the cucumber says, "Yeah, you think that's bad? Whenever I get big, fat and juicy they slice me up and they put me over salad."
So this penis is walking by and overhears their conversation and says, "You think your life is tough? Whenever I get big, fat and juicy, they put a plastic bag over my head, stick me in a dark smelly room and make me do push ups until I throw up!"
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Post by Night and Akito on Aug 17, 2009 15:49:40 GMT -5
A guy stops to visit his friend, who is paralyzed from the waist down. His friend says, "My feet are cold. Would you get my slippers for me? They're upstairs in my bedroom."
The guy goes upstairs, and there are his friend's two gorgeous daughters, gossiping in their bedroom. He says, "Hi, girls. Your dad sent me up here to have sex with you."
The first daughter says, "That's not true."
He says, "I'll prove it."
He yells down the stairs, "Both of them?"
His friend yells back, "Of course, both of them."
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Post by Night and Akito on Aug 17, 2009 15:52:13 GMT -5
Bill Clinton and Al Gore are sitting in a diner. The waitress says, "Ready to order?"
Clinton says, "Yeah. I'd like a quickie."
The waitress says, "A quickie? Mr. President, I don't think that's a real good idea. I'll come back when you're ready to order from the menu."
Gore leans and says, "It's pronounced 'quiche'."
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Post by Night and Akito on Aug 17, 2009 15:54:55 GMT -5
[glow=yellow,2,300]B J l o o k n e d s e[/glow]
A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $300 she exclaimed, "I don't have that kind of money! But I will do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland!"
The man arched an eyebrow "Anything?"
"Yes, anything," the blonde promised.
With that, the man said, "Follow me". He walked into the next room and ordered, "Come in and close the door." She did.
He then said, "Get on your knees." She did. Then he said, "Take down my zipper."
She did.
He said, "Go ahead...take it out." She took it out and grabbed hold of it with both hands. The man closed his eyes and whispered, "Well....go ahead!"
The blonde slowly brought her lips closer, and while holding it close to her lips she said loudly, "HELLO.....MOM?!?!"
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Post by Night and Akito on Aug 17, 2009 15:59:17 GMT -5
A blonde and brunette are talking one day.
The brunette said that her boyfriend had a dandruff problem, but she gave him 'Head and Shoulders' and it all cleared up.
The blonde replied, "How do you give a guy shoulders?"
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Post by Night and Akito on Aug 17, 2009 16:06:30 GMT -5
A blonde and her boyfriend are going through their daily routine in the bathroom when there's a knock at the door. The boyfriend who is in the shower tells the blonde to go answer the door.
The blonde puts on a towel and goes to the door. A man is standing there, and says, "Hey hun, do me a favor."
"What?" asks the blonde.
"Drop the towel and I'll give you $500!" replied the man.
The blonde drops her towel and jiggles her tits for the man at the door.
"Thanks a ton sweetie, I'll catch you later" says the man and he hands her the $500.
The blonde walks back smiling to her boyfriend who had just got out of the shower.
As he steps out, he says "Hey hun, was that John? He's supposed to be stopping by to pay me back the $500 he owes me!"
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Post by Night and Akito on Aug 17, 2009 16:08:59 GMT -5
A blonde and brunette are walking down the street when the brunette sees her boyfriend in the flower shop.
"Great", the brunette said, "My boyfriend is buying me flowers for no reason."
"And that's a bad thing?" The blonde asked.
"Well now I am going to have to spend the next three days with my legs in the air," the brunette explained.
The blonde then asked, "Wouldn't it be easier to use a vase?"
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